Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?