Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.