Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
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[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life