WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
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It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Life is a suicide mission.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go