WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

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Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.


[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”


It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.


no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden


7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!


H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep


How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.