Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
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[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
How I’d get arrested…
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I’m like a kid. People like me best when I’m quiet or sleeping.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.