WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
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At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Sharon I have some bad news
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
A friend helps you before you need it
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.