Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?