[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
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the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
My age is news to me every single time I remember
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder