[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
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Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I ain’t wearing no wire
You have been warned.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem