Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.

Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!

Me: I didn’t mean for you.

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.