[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
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[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.