@CornOnTheGoblin

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

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@RachelNoise

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

@mommajessiec

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

@KKAlThani

I pretend I’m on the phone when entering a barbershop & say “I stabbed him only cause I hate small talk ” so he doesn’t try to talk to me.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

@roxiqt

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

@rolldiggity

CASHIER: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”
ME: “Oh, yes…” [places “How To Murder A Cashier” book on counter]

@maughammom

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

@ArfMeasures

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

@hellohappy_time

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE