Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
You Might Also Like
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
#inspiration #foodforthought
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.