Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
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john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
this is the best day of my life
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.