Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
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Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher