Worst bar ever.
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(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.