Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me

🤣😂🤣😂

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?