Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

checking out some reviews of my local library

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.