Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
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Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
That lamp looks PISSED.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in