Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

Imagine Dragons.

No. Dragoner.

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.