@MichaelTrying

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

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@ianabramson

When you compare the size of a gummy worm versus a gummy bear, it starts to paint a horrific picture of the gummy universe.

@laurenmacdonald

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

@KentWGraham

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

@MartaEffing

I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.

@bourgeoisalien

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

@BeTheBoy

The first sign I wasn’t going to be a doctor is when I called Anatomy “Skeleton Class.”

Sign two was failing skeleton class.

@Wakenbake77

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

@singwithTaffy

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

@jojipaints

Him: Be sure to get that fire stoked so it doesn’t go out!

Me: *tells the fire really good news*