Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

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When you compare the size of a gummy worm versus a gummy bear, it starts to paint a horrific picture of the gummy universe.


I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.


Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?


I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.


the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead


The first sign I wasn’t going to be a doctor is when I called Anatomy “Skeleton Class.”

Sign two was failing skeleton class.


I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.


(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein


Him: Be sure to get that fire stoked so it doesn’t go out!

Me: *tells the fire really good news*