Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
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If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.