Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it