Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
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Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Put a ring on it
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.