The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.
Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.
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New rule: You’re not allowed to be condescending unless you can spell it.
So many girls look so cute and pretty when they cry then there’s me where i look like a dying horse
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Joe: Just met with Secret Service
Barack: Oh yea?
Joe: I got them to agree to call Trump “David S. Pumpkins”
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*