Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.
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I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
Hey, my eyes are up here.
– snails, probably
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Sunday and Monday would be great names for twins if one was kind of normal and quiet and the other one was pure evil.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: ok i wish “three” meant 1000
Genie: it’s done. you have two wishes left
Me: wait i wish “two” meant 1000
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.