Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.

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The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.


New rule: You’re not allowed to be condescending unless you can spell it.


So many girls look so cute and pretty when they cry then there’s me where i look like a dying horse


Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.


[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.


Joe: Just met with Secret Service
Barack: Oh yea?
Joe: I got them to agree to call Trump “David S. Pumpkins”


All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves


Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team


*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*