I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
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*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.