Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
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Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think