Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
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Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭