Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
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[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.