Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

😭😭😭

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”

My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.