I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
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In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”