Worst flight I’ve ever been on. Waited for hours, plane never left the ground.. I’m never flying Airbnb again

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*cleaning out wallet*

Wife: Why don’t you just buy a new one?

Me: What? This thing’s practically brand new

*finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*


there are naturally attractive people and then there are people like me who take pictures from good angles with the right lighting


Pro Tip:
Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable.


Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.


I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.


Gf:Do u love me?


Gf:Why do u love me?

Me:You’re the best.

Gf:I’m the best at what?

Me:Asking questions.

Gf: Like what?



karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that


Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.


Mitt Romney has decided not to run for president. In other news, I have decided not to become a billionaire or play in the NBA.


If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager