*cleaning out wallet*
Wife: Why don’t you just buy a new one?
Me: What? This thing’s practically brand new
*finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*
Worst flight I’ve ever been on. Waited for hours, plane never left the ground.. I’m never flying Airbnb again
You Might Also Like
there are naturally attractive people and then there are people like me who take pictures from good angles with the right lighting
Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Gf:Do u love me?
Gf:Why do u love me?
Me:You’re the best.
Gf:I’m the best at what?
Gf: Like what?
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Mitt Romney has decided not to run for president. In other news, I have decided not to become a billionaire or play in the NBA.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager