@sageboggs

Worst flight I’ve ever been on. Waited for hours, plane never left the ground.. I’m never flying Airbnb again

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@MondayPajamas

*cleaning out wallet*

Wife: Why don’t you just buy a new one?

Me: What? This thing’s practically brand new

*finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*

@defdanielle

there are naturally attractive people and then there are people like me who take pictures from good angles with the right lighting

@MUMSIEesq

Pro Tip:
Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable.

@imdaintyaf

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

@UnFitz

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

@imence2

Gf:Do u love me?

Me:Yes.

Gf:Why do u love me?

Me:You’re the best.

Gf:I’m the best at what?

Me:Asking questions.

Gf: Like what?

Me:…

@Browtweaten

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

@Darlainky

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

@briangaar

Mitt Romney has decided not to run for president. In other news, I have decided not to become a billionaire or play in the NBA.

@CakeThrottle

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager