@MondayPajamas
*cleaning out wallet*
Wife: Why don’t you just buy a new one?
Me: What? This thing’s practically brand new
*finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*
@sageboggs
Worst flight I’ve ever been on. Waited for hours, plane never left the ground.. I’m never flying Airbnb again
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@MondayPajamas
@defdanielle
there are naturally attractive people and then there are people like me who take pictures from good angles with the right lighting
@MUMSIEesq
Pro Tip:
Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable.
@imdaintyaf
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
@UnFitz
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
@imence2
Gf:Do u love me?
Me:Yes.
Gf:Why do u love me?
Me:You’re the best.
Gf:I’m the best at what?
Me:Asking questions.
Gf: Like what?
Me:…
@Browtweaten
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
@Darlainky
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
@briangaar
Mitt Romney has decided not to run for president. In other news, I have decided not to become a billionaire or play in the NBA.
@CakeThrottle
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager