Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
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imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
do u think theres a butter planet?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”