Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
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“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
The French cow says MEUX…
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”