Worst Native American name ever.
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Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?