Worst Native American name ever.
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there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
me and who
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job