worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
You Might Also Like
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.