Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

When I grow up, I want to be 16

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?