Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.