Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

😂😂

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

😼🖥️

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.