Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
You Might Also Like
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
mom gave me mine for free
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.