I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
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No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.