@eslpaul

Worst part about going to the dentist is sitting in the waiting room, anticipating, dreading, listening to the poor guy already in there, knowing that you’ll be next to get floss-shamed

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@teeaysmith

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

@SteveKoehler22

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

@SirEviscerate

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

@English_Channel

🎵Well we’re movin on up, 🎶

Me: cool, where?

🎶To the east side.🎵

Me: a house?

🎵To a deluxe apartment in the sky. 🎶

Me: Like Cloud City? From Empire Strikes Back?

@AimeeHelene1

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

@wolfpupy

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

@wendyraepearce

My twitter crush just broke up with me for saying WWE wasn’t real.

The irony is not lost here.

@thesulk

Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.