@Cali_Kid_Mike
Breaking: Fox News reports Obama is no longer a suspect.
@eslpaul
Worst part about going to the dentist is sitting in the waiting room, anticipating, dreading, listening to the poor guy already in there, knowing that you’ll be next to get floss-shamed
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@Cali_Kid_Mike
@teeaysmith
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
@SteveKoehler22
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
@SirEviscerate
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
@English_Channel
🎵Well we’re movin on up, 🎶
Me: cool, where?
🎶To the east side.🎵
Me: a house?
🎵To a deluxe apartment in the sky. 🎶
Me: Like Cloud City? From Empire Strikes Back?
@AimeeHelene1
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
@wolfpupy
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
@wendyraepearce
My twitter crush just broke up with me for saying WWE wasn’t real.
The irony is not lost here.
@thesulk
Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.
@JoParkerBear
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.