@eslpaul

Worst part about going to the dentist is sitting in the waiting room, anticipating, dreading, listening to the poor guy already in there, knowing that you’ll be next to get floss-shamed

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@jjhartinger

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

@fatherofcomedy

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

@LeahsLounge

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

@behindyourback

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

@anerdonfire2

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

@stephenjmolloy

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

@FaisalAdam_

Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, “GET LOST!”
So I stared…
Realising she wasn’t saying more, I asked, “which season?”

@TheTweetOfGod

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

@alyssalimp

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

@UncleDuke1969

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”