Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.