Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

Seductively sings in Klingon.

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

What the hell is going on?

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

First rule of flight club…no penguins.