Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
You Might Also Like
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”