Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
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Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Now colored!
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.