Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

Warm pools make me nervous.

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.