Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
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Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.