Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
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It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Message from the dog groomers
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions