Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
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That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh