Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
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Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
love it when they get my name right
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.