Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.