Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You learn something every day

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

October 31

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

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