Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

*changing sex positions*

ok now let’s do a silly one

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.