Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking