Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
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Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it