worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
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My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*