Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
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She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone