WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I like donuts.
Twitter:
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
