WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
