WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
We know he can swim but…
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
