Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

[family thanksgiving in 2020]

HER: hey the turkey is still frozen

ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona