I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
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Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.