Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“