Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to walk around a museum

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

Me: This is the worst day of my life.

Her: Really?

Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

Nothing to do, you say?

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism