Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
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In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators