worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Science memes
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
