Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
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why am I working on Labor Day
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.