worst…sale…ever
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my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Already got one
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I put the h in mysterious.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Harsh but fair
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are