worst…sale…ever
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[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON