Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

I get distracted pretty eas

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.